Three glasses in and things don't seem quite as bad

Seeking solace in alcohol, is there anything we Brits do any better? I don't think so. I'm not hammered, just pleasantly toasted and the world seems slightly smoother at the edges. The healing power of shiraz is a wonderful thing. Given that this is ostensibly a blog about my attempts to find a job I probably shouldn't go on about the pleasures of drinking my way through my parents' booze, but it seemed like a good way to start this and wind up what has been another fairly uneventful day.

Applied for some more jobs, got some more rejections, and I'm now seriously consider taking a course in journalism. It's the field I'm aiming to get into and a few articles printed in The Japan Times doesn't seem to be cutting the mustard so far. Perhaps another bit of paper will help. We'll see.

I realised today just how tedious it is writing cover letters and application forms. Of course, everything is done online or by computer so the physical exertion is minimal, but by the time you get to the third or fourth one of the day you start to lose the will to live. I get tired of writing about how fantastic I am and why my skill set makes me a very strong candidate for the role of glorified office junior at Bendover and Takeit Inc. I know what I'm good at and I know what I'm crap at. Unfortunately, being able to drink a whole orchard's worth of Magners doesn't seem to be a quality that many companies are looking for in prospective employees. Anyway, in case any of the organisations I've applied to are reading this blog, here's what my cover letters really mean:

I am looking for a career that will challenge me and allow me to develop new skills = I want a job that gives me more money than I can possibly spend and the chance to finally master Minesweeper.

My experience, background and skills make me a very strong candidate for this position = I'm not thick, I'm employable and I can do all the basic shit that an office monkey needs to do, so just give me the fucking job.

I'm highly motivated and keen to pursue a career in this field = I'm spanking through my savings at a frightening rate of knots and will do pretty much anything as long as it doesn't involve prostitution or marketing. In fact, make that just anything to do with marketing.

I have excellent written and verbal communication skills = I can write and speak.

I have great interpersonal skills = I'm not a sociopath.

I have a good eye for detail = I love finding mistakes in other people's work.

I look forward to hearing from you and thank you for taking the time to consider my application = Please, please, please just give me a job.

In the spirit of my brief anti-marketing remarks, enjoy the sorely-missed Bill Hicks in full flow:

Thank you, Job Centre Plus

My rescheduled appointment was today and thankfully I had no contact with the evil bitch from Hell who set about me last week when I was a few minutes late. Mind you, I think the people who run the job centre must know about this blog as yet again they provided me with some fantastic material for these posts.

The first man I spoke to there was called ... wait for it ... Ronald MacDonald (you can see from the picture just how welcoming he was). Feel free to make your own jokes at Ronnie's expense - I'm sure he's heard them all before but if anyone can come up with something original, answers on a postcard to the usual address. Next up was not The Hamburgler but a very pleasant woman who, unless I'm very much mistaken, actually had a sense of humour. I'm not sure how she got through the screening process humouro intacto, but it proves that it can be done. Spent about half an hour with her detailing what I'm doing to find work (didn't mention the blog) and then went off on my merry way into yet another miserable January afternoon.

As far as the nine million applications I've made so far it's been more of the same. I was quite impressed by one rejection so I'll quote it in its entirety:

Thanks for your details. Unfortunately your experience is not right for
this role.

Short and to the point. It makes a change from the usual guff about the quality of the candidates and so on. If only it were possible to write cover letters in a similar style:

I'm fucking ace. I want this job. Here's my CV.

Perhaps this could be the beginning of some kind of recruitment revolution.